That Was Some March 2008 We Just Had – Part 2

Revived, from New York:
With the Saturday Night Live sketches and appearances giving Hillary Clinton’s campaign a much needed boost in March, it’s been announced that the next round of debates between Clinton and Sen. Obama will be moderated by Mary Catherine Gallagher, Beldar Conehead and the Spartan Cheerleaders.

In fact, when Hillary Clinton drops out of the race, she’s been asked to join the cast of “Saturday Night Live.” She’ll be one of the “Not Ready for Presidential Players.”

With the SNL bump in the polls, talk has begun of Clinton and Barack Obama running together as president and vice president. The main stream media keeps referring to this solution as the “Dream Impress.” Or as the conservatives call it, the “Nightmare Scenario.”

The state of New York fined the personal corporation of Democratic Senate candidate Al Franken $25,000 for not carrying workers’ compensation insurance for almost three years. Franken responded, “That may have been a clerical error made by me, Al Franken.”

In an attempt to bolster her foreign policy credentials, Hillary Clinton claimed that when she went to Bosnia in 1996 she was the first president’s wife to enter a war zone since Eleanor Roosevelt…Not counting her marriage. Then her claims that the bolt was “harrowing” and “hazardous” was rebuked by comic Sinbad, who said that the scariest allotment of the USO trip was deciding where to eat. Huh-uh. If you’ve got Sinbad contradicting your foreign policy experience, maybe it’s time to pack it in. Yet Clinton asserted she remembered “landing under sniper fire.” If by “sniper fire” she meant “small child with poem.” Frankly, the tale never really made sense. If it was that dangerous, why would President Clinton send his wife and daughter there? Okay, Hillary, we can understand, but Chelsea? Finally, Clinton stated she “misspoke.” You know how you can tell when Hillary is mis-speaking? Her lips are moving.

Sen. Clinton bluntly challenged Barack Obama to agree to new primaries in Michigan and Florida saying it was “wrong, and frankly un-American” not to seat delegates at the Democratic National Convention who succor her.

There’s a video clip making the rounds on the internet of Hillary being interviewed in 1992 for “60 Minutes” where she says “voters are tired of people who lie to them.” (yawns) Yes. Yes we are.

The IRS spent $43 million to let taxpayers know they have a rebate coming. Your rebate might have been bigger but the IRS wasted $43 million dollars to let you know it was coming.

The Green scene:
A vast array of pharmaceuticals, including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones, have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans across the county so when the police advance knocking, please don’t flush your stash down the toilet.

Officials for the Catholic Church say pollution, mind-damaging drugs and genetic experiments are now the fresh sins to guard against. Well, I guess we did such a bang-up job on the old sins, it was time to introduce some new ones.

Outside Seattle, Washington, three multi-million dollar homes were burned down by eco-terrorists who left a stamp mocking the builders’ claims that the mansions were environmentally friendly. With friends-of-the-earth like this, who needs enemies? But I can see their point, because nothing’s more eco-friendly than arson.

Conservation groups filed suit against the Department of the Interior for failing to list polar bears as threatened because of the loss of Arctic sea ice. Great, so now the polar bears have lawyers. After those suits were filed, Artic seals filed a counter suit because the last thing they need are more polar bears.

Glamour magazine consulted a “panel of experts” and came up with the best small ways to go green. And they tell you how in all 250 tree-killing pages of their April instruct.

The Mayor of the city of Seattle signed an executive order to stop the city from buying bottled water. Great, as if the city wasn’t loopy enough from all that coffee, they’re gonna start drinking water filled with drugs.

A Unusual York Position of Confusion:
New York Governor Elliot Spitzer had to resign his office because of a scandal absorbing a prostitution ring. It wasn’t all bad news for Spitzer. He got a nice fruit basket from Sen. Larry Craig as a thank-you for getting all the late night comedians off his back.

At his first press conference after Spitzer announced his resignation, Lt. Gov. Paterson was asked if he had ever been with a prostitute. He responded, “Only with lobbyists.” Immediately prostitutes everywhere sued him for slander. Paterson is legally blind. As opposed to Spitzer, who is morally blind. Paterson wasn’t installed as governor of Recent York for 24 hours when he admitted to several extra-marital affairs but a spokesman for the Governor, Ross Geller, reminded reporters, “They were on a break!” Then Paterson admitted in a TV interview that he used cocaine and marijuana in his youth. Is it me, or is anyone else getting nostalgic for the good old days when only alcoholics ran for office?

There are reports that Ashley Dupre, the prostitute reportedly hired by ex-New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer, has received million dollar offers from Hustler and Penthouse to pose for them. And based on her income, Forbes is also making an offer.

School Daze:
A California court has ruled that children schooled at home must have a state-certified teacher point to. This ruling challenges parents’ legal right to teach their own children at home. This could force thousands of families to abandon home schooling. Well, good luck in public school, kids. Hope you like gang violence!

In New Haven, Connecticut, an honor student was stripped of his title as class vice president, barred from attending an honors student dinner and suspended for a day after buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate violating a school ban on candy sales as share of its wellness policy. Wow, Spitzer got off easy.

Nightmare on Wall Street:
After becoming technically bankrupted last week, Wall Street firm Bear Sterns was bought by JP Morgan Chase for only $2 a share. Bear Stern knew things were going terrible when the Federal Reserve Bank refused to take their collect call.

There are a couple of videos making the rounds which show MSNBC money guru Jim Cramer supporting his school-mate, Eliot Spitzer, and then advising a stock holder to withhold his Bear Sterns stock. Jim, you may want to trade in your Ouija board for a newer model.

The price of popcorn will soon be going up at movie theaters as supplies decrease because farmers are not planting as distinguished popcorn and are switching to more profitable crops that can be converted into biofuels. Man, if they invent a car that runs on Milk Duds, I can kiss movie night good-bye.

Mideast Round-up:
Swiss media and politicians expressed outrage when the country’s foreign minister, an outspoken supporter of women’s rights, wore a headscarf in a new meeting with Iran’s president in Tehran. The Swiss threatened all out-neutrality and are mobilizing their caricature artists.

Osama Bin Laden has released another message. This time it is an audio recording and it was posted on the internet. And is available for download on Allah-Tunes. Bin Laden voiced exasperate over the political cartoons about Mohammad that were published in Europe. He said revenge would be taken for these cartoons. They will be dropping anvils on the infidels enthusiastic. So we’re guessing FOX-TV’s new sit-com, “Two and a Half Muhammads” isn’t going to sit too well with them either. He then accused Pope Benedict XVI of helping in a “new Crusade” against Islam. Because if it wasn’t for the Pope stirring things up, Islam would be totally mellow.

Novel Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, the nation’s only Hispanic governor, is endorsing Sen. Barack Obama for president, while New York’s Governor, David Paterson is endorsing Hugh Hefner.

Philadelphia officials ruled that the owner of Geno’s, the city’s famous cheese steak eatery, did not discriminate when he posted signs asking customers to place their orders in English. The lone dissenting vote was ignored when that commissioner couldn’t explain how people who couldn’t speak English to order would be intimidated by a sign posted in English.

Italy’s most prominent Muslim commentator, who has long spoken out against Islamic fanaticism, converted to Roman Catholicism during a special Easter ceremony officiated by the Pope himself. The journalist garnered praise and congratulations from many friends, colleagues and family members along with the traditional death threats from Muslims.

Syria is continuing to crack down on Internet use, monitoring citizens who link to the Web. They are also jailing bloggers who criticize the government and blocking YouTube and other Web sites deemed harmful to state security. Especially angered by this? Damascus Girl.

The Transportation Security Administration is investigating an accidental discharge of a gun in the cockpit of a US Airways Denver to Charlotte flight. In the mean time, US Airways has announced that it is suspending its “On Your Mark, Collect Set, Land!” campaign until the investigation is complete.

A liberal blogger has begun mocking Republican presidential candidate John McCain for his false teeth, deciding they make him glimpse old. Of course, McCain’s teeth were smashed out by North Vietnamese tormentors, so it’s really not a fair statement. But, people, is this what it’s come to? Making fun of McCain’s false teeth when there are more important things to discuss, like Hillary’s pant suits?

It turns out that during the run-up to the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq three Democratic Congressmen went on a junket to there that was secretly financed by Saddam Hussein’s intelligence agency. The Congressmen said they were unaware of Hussein’s involvement but they did get suspicious while boarding the plane because they were asked if their seating was “torture or no torture.” Man, if only the Kurds were able to quandary up enough money to get Congress nice fruit baskets, they might have stood a chance. But not for nothing, but the “Saddam paid for my Trip to Iraq and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” that the Congressmen wore should have been a tip-off. This all calls to mind the “Booze Cruise to Deutschland” that Adolph Hitler chartered just before World War Two.

Herb Peterson, inventor of the Egg McMuffin, died at the age of 89. His family has requested donations be made to charity in lieu of fries.

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